I know a lot of you think I have a pretty good sense of humor. I know a lot of you, especially one of you, don’t think I have a sense of humor at all.
One of you thinks I’m nonsense, but you read my every column just so you can post hateful comments about it and me on Facebook. It’s OK. It’s a big joke, and the joke is on you for giving the paper the attention it expects from readers. In fact, you read things in the newspaper.
To tell God’s honest truth, I know I’m not as funny as I sometimes think I am, but I’m a lot funnier than, say, a colonoscopy. I had one, and even though I was knocked out and didn’t get the “full” experience, I hardly think there was much humor there.
The other night my wife and I ordered dinner from Panda Express. If you’re not familiar with Panda Express, it’s not quite Chinese food but better than fast food.
I ordered a few chicken and rice dishes and was quite happy with what I got for my 10 bucks. Last night I called my wife from the car on my way home to discuss what was for dinner.
” What are we eating ? I asked, because that’s what you say when you want to know what you’re going to eat for dinner.
“Food,” replied my wife.
“Good. I like food. What kind of food am I eating?” I asked, because that’s what you say when you want to know what kind of food you’re going to eat.
She said she wasn’t sure and it had to be quick and easy because she forgot to take the chicken she was planning to cook for dinner out of the freezer.
“Do you want to release something?” I asked, “That is, if we have the money to release something.”
“We have the money for something. Not sit down and ask a waitress to bring it to us, but take something from a drive-thru.
“Why don’t we have what we had the other night?”
“That works.” said my wife, relieved.
“Cool. I’ll take the panda meat.
“Panda meat. You know, like I did the other night.
“It wasn’t panda meat.”
“The place is called Panda Express.”
“You didn’t get panda meat.” my wife explained.
“So what did I get, smart pants?”
“Not panda meat.”
“What did I eat if I didn’t eat panda meat? The place lives up to its name – Panda Express. It’s panda, and it’s served quickly.
“Panda meat and rice.”
“You didn’t eat panda meat. You have almond chicken and another chicken. Sesame or something.
“You know, I thought that panda tasted like chicken. You know, everyone says things taste like chicken when they first try them. The first time I ate alligator, I thought it tasted like chicken. The frog legs tasted like wings with a bit of fish. I just thought the panda meat just tasted like chicken.
“That’s not how it works, Einstein. You ordered the food from the website. You knew it wasn’t a panda and you knew it was chicken. You are just stupid.
“As far as I know they can’t serve panda legally so they just call it something else on the menu but when you go get it you tell them you’re there for the ‘almond chicken’ and it’s like a word code for panda meat.
“Are you getting along right now?” asked my wife, exasperated.
I know it’s a little late now, but long story short, I took it all the way.
When we got to Panda Express, I expressed concern that my last order had absolutely no pandas in it, but thought I’d give them another chance. The young woman behind the counter looked at me as if I had eaten a handful of bees.
“Don’t mind him,” my wife said, “he’s an idiot.”
Silly or not, I expect a place called Panda Express to live up to its name. The International House of Pancakes has, well, pancakes. The Outback Steakhouse offers steaks. It’s quite simple. Most of the time.
Don’t ask the nice girl at Subway what she did when I gave her a token and asked for a transfer to a crosstown bus.
Joe Weaver, originally from Baltimore, is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he writes about the lighter side of family life.